Lies and truth
When you are having an affair, lies and truth are very blurring. There isn't a nice black and white. Now that you are here, in the crash so to speak. You will have to become brutally honest with yourself. Honest that will hurt but help you heal.
Here are some of the lies you need to dismiss right away.
1. I am a horrible person for what I did.
No, you are not. We are creatures of choice. We have the freedom to make good and bad choices. You made a bad choice but you are not a bad person.
2. I destroyed my family.
Yes or maybe. There are two things to remember here. One, the members of the family are still a family whether they live together or not. Family dynamics change over time. Kids grow up, move out, and sometimes come back. Family is not the iconic picturesque scenes we see on television or online. Two, odds are that you and/or your family was already suffering from some type of damage. This damage could be isolated in you. It could involve you and your (ex)spouse. Something was amiss somewhere for us to be here.
3. I destroyed my kids' lives.
No. See the above. Kids are more resilient than most people think especially the younger they are. For kids, the separation or divorce will become the new normal. Life moves on.
4. I destroyed my reputation.
Yes and no. Yes, some people will paint a scarlet letter on you and write you off forever. Some people will gossip and give you looks. After a while, you will be old news and someone or something else will be talk of the town. And the no, depending on how you handle your affairs (pun intended), you may come out of this looking okay. If you get out ahead of it early and deal with it head-on usually makes things better. A lot of people decide to collapse and ignore what is going on. When a pilot is flying and the plane is in trouble, he does not close his eyes and let whatever happens. Not at all. He fights for control. He fights to save lives. The same is true here. The plane is your life.
5. I will never happy again.
Yes, you will if you want to be. Part of us wants to suffer as penance for our sins. Like the guys who flogged themselves during the plague. God was punishing the world and, if that was not enough, we must hurt ourselves even more to show God we are suffering and we are sorry. Going back to an earlier post, if your child made a mistake, would you want to see him continually punish himself? Beating him bloody as atonement? No? So why would God desire that? But you need to believe in a future. While it is difficult to see right now, there is one for you. If you cannot see it, look toward the next day. The next week. The next month. Even the next hour.
Here are some of the lies you need to dismiss right away.
1. I am a horrible person for what I did.
No, you are not. We are creatures of choice. We have the freedom to make good and bad choices. You made a bad choice but you are not a bad person.
2. I destroyed my family.
Yes or maybe. There are two things to remember here. One, the members of the family are still a family whether they live together or not. Family dynamics change over time. Kids grow up, move out, and sometimes come back. Family is not the iconic picturesque scenes we see on television or online. Two, odds are that you and/or your family was already suffering from some type of damage. This damage could be isolated in you. It could involve you and your (ex)spouse. Something was amiss somewhere for us to be here.
3. I destroyed my kids' lives.
No. See the above. Kids are more resilient than most people think especially the younger they are. For kids, the separation or divorce will become the new normal. Life moves on.
4. I destroyed my reputation.
Yes and no. Yes, some people will paint a scarlet letter on you and write you off forever. Some people will gossip and give you looks. After a while, you will be old news and someone or something else will be talk of the town. And the no, depending on how you handle your affairs (pun intended), you may come out of this looking okay. If you get out ahead of it early and deal with it head-on usually makes things better. A lot of people decide to collapse and ignore what is going on. When a pilot is flying and the plane is in trouble, he does not close his eyes and let whatever happens. Not at all. He fights for control. He fights to save lives. The same is true here. The plane is your life.
5. I will never happy again.
Yes, you will if you want to be. Part of us wants to suffer as penance for our sins. Like the guys who flogged themselves during the plague. God was punishing the world and, if that was not enough, we must hurt ourselves even more to show God we are suffering and we are sorry. Going back to an earlier post, if your child made a mistake, would you want to see him continually punish himself? Beating him bloody as atonement? No? So why would God desire that? But you need to believe in a future. While it is difficult to see right now, there is one for you. If you cannot see it, look toward the next day. The next week. The next month. Even the next hour.
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